Ode to a X unfollower

dear twitter unfollower. i saw this morning i had one less follower so i decided to write to you. on a personal note. yes. you. you see i don’t know who you are or where you are. i don’t know your name, or whether you’re a @sexbot or a @catbot. you might even be pure spam with a pornstar profile picture and the numbers ’83 following your five word bio. but i feel like we had a bond. a brief digital romance. an interlude of social currency extending past physical barriers and into the horizons of digital emotional landscapes and trending topics. and now i’m writing to your because that bond has been broken. and as i’ve arrived at an intersection of @’s i feel torn. i looked this morning and i could have sworn i had one more follower last night. something xx84 and now it’s xx83… i don’t know what i said that made you unfollow me. was it something i retweeted? was it the tweet from earlier about the cats and the low res picture from my terrible blackberry curve 8520? or did your iPhone twitter app ‘unfollow me by mistake’. i’ve heard of that before. was it because i only used that 60’s washout filter on my instagrams? were the warm charms and jokes we once shared telepathically getting on your nerves. all of a sudden things that used to brighten your day as you scrolled down your ubersocial in the elevator now grated your skin follicles. was it that you can’t remember why you followed me in the first place? or maybe were you drinking and on your third glass of chenin you decided to look at twitter and click unfollow when you saw my profile picture. be honest now. was it a drunk unfollow? and now you’re too embarrassed to follow me again because you know i’m going to get one of those notification emails that says you’re following me. and i already thought you were following me so it’s going to be awkward if i see you again. because i thought you were following me and there’s this kind of awkward moment. do you feel angry at me for tweeting something a long time ago and then you promised yourself you were going to unfollow me, and then forgot, and now, seeing my stupid tweets out of the 160 people you follow in your timeline reminded you of that original promise you made yourself and then you got angry with yourself for not unfollowing me when you promised you would unfollow me so you decided to do it. i know. it’s complicated. you thought that this would be your way of getting back at me. that’s it right? sometimes you find yourself a little bit passive aggressive. you can’t stand saying something back on a public forum. you don’t want there to be a hashtag #twitteroutrage. a digital knot of misunderstanding. some kind of ridiculous retort making you even more angry with yourself. you’d rather avoid confrontation. you have your principles. i get that. you’re the type of upstanding tweeter who refuses to retweet people’s stupid brand sponsored giveaways. and you refuse to use hashtags. you’re a puritan. you’ll never say things like Follow Friday #FF and use more than 3 mentions in a tweet. you hate twoogle. in fact you hate any word invented by this stupid twat tweet twiggle twoogle tweeps twoons twibbons. i understand that. you’re pure of tweet. you’re like the nun of my timeline. and I can’t stand that you’re not out there, somewhere, trying to beat me to tweet about something cool. dammit! why didn’t i think of that first!